So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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