I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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