I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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