The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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