I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
