Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
