beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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