my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
