When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
