I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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