i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
