I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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