we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
