I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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