the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
