No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Even my vagina gasped.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
