I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize