He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize