it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
