u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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