Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
