when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mouth tastes like poor choices
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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