we're chasing vodka with high fives
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
