i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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