I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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