btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
