She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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