i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize