I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
