I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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