every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
