well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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