These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
