I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
