Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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