batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
