I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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