What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
