I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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