Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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