im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
