Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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