i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just want to make out with him forever
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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