after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
