The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
