this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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