Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
