We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
