Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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