I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
