for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
two words...techno handjob
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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