conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
