wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
