just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
