we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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