I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize