last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
