Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
