My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
