I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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