Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
